Your face is a jimmy john
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
