i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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