I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
