You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
