Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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