I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
