listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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