you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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