i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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