Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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