is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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