Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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