You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
