boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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