someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
