I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I AM VODKA MAN
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
