I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
FUCK WHALES
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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