A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
