my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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