she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
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When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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