those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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