I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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