You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
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Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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