If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
