The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
