I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
