We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
