I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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