I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something