I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset