Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
