I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have feelings that need drinking.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
