Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So much rum. So many feels.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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