I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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