M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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