I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
