my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
