come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
