I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
