I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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