do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
