omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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