I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
