Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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