Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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