remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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