I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
