I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
