it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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