Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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