help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
