So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
