He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
sarcasm needs its own font
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
