At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
