Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
