so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
