Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
i think i just lost a toe
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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