i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
