with your own penis?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
