between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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